The Mind Of Autism

Dankeschön for the memories

Posted on July 11, 2014 by The Mind Of Autism

Love and loss (part 3)

Time and dates as to how our love grew aren’t solidly in my mind. I can remember a lot of things perfectly but our minds more often then not, seem to only really stop and take note when bad things are happening, all to often we take joy for granted.

Which is what I did I’m sad to say, but with every rule there are the exceptions to it. my despise of public transport carried well over to flying in a plane, people seemed more occupied but still there where to many people for me. funny enough the babies never bothered me when they cried, despite my intolerance for high pitched noises. Out of everyone I would see on the days I flew across state to meet the girl I loved there would be 2 types of people who I wouldn’t fear judgment from! My girl and young children. When I got off the plane and saw her smiling face I knew it was all worth it.

Not really sure how the typical male point of view stands on this but her touch was indescribable. her lips felt like velvet with the slightest of pecks, her body radiated warmth and sung never before heard songs with the slightest embrace. her head rested perfectly on my chest like she was my missing piece making me whole again…. Maybe not the typical “male” point of view but I know I’m not the only male that thinks like this.

There’s something about the person your heart chooses that makes them special, they radiate a warmth that melts your fears away and make everything seem, bearable. I’m not one to engage in masculine bravado and talk about a woman as if she was a mountain for me to scale and that’s not going to change today, a gentleman does not kiss and tell as the saying goes. There was a age gap between us and while we both struggled to understand it at times we accepted it, you see what I found with her was that the body lusts for the flesh while the mind seeks the soul.

This post is rather muddled I know and for that I apologise. This is just 1/100 of a glimpse of my thoughts on this matter and I tried to put the best parts down on, paper? Ha I just had a whole moment of that thought itself. But I digress let us pull Apollo’s chariot across the sky and let the sun set on this blog.

I can’t say names for obvious reasons so this part will be cryptic at best but I’ll try and limit the amount of conclusions you can come too, as to give you the best understanding.

We decided to take a break as her life was moving ahead far more fast then mine ever could. Patience waned and tempers flared across both sides of our families funny enough, neither of us where a part of the raised tempers but we still took the backlash. A look in someone’s eyes I loved was the reason I broke my 1st loves heart.

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a family member and seen nothing? I have had that misfortune and no I’m not talking of death I’ve seen that before in the the eyes of my baby brother and it was “something” a truly indescribably horrible sight but it was “something” I looked into the eyes of a loved one on my side of the conflict and saw… Nothing. it was a horrible sight like the spark of divinity was gone, like there very soul had given in to despair. I would like to say I understand and say I acknowledge the situation for what it was, but I am only human and I can’t. I will always hold it against that person for making me see that, for there loss of strength when I needed it most, I looked into those eyes for days trying to find what was lost, but I couldn’t. I saw a sight worse then my brother slipping away and it broke me, if only a little more.
I told the girl I loved I was sorry but we could do this no more, and the last words she spoke to me was that she wouldn’t even get to say a proper goodbye. She loved me, life may have made it more difficult but I know this to be true. And yes we are still friends I couldn’t let such a good friend go but you see that’s the thing the girl I loved was no longer my friend she was, more then that to me. So I chose to think of them as two different people and that my love had simple gone somewhere I could not “ever” follow.

Life chips away at us, most of the time slowly. but some times it cracks the stone and we have to find something to fill the void it created. I still love the person that made me see that horrible sight, and I always will. I will also always love the girl that showed me a beauty unlike I had ever seen. Balance is needed in everything and I took a simple phrase that I learnt from her and incorporated it into my daily life. She studied German and she practiced it at home. when I visited I would listen, one word she taught me was Dankeschön it means thank you. I once heard that if you can take something from a relationship it wasn’t wasted time, so I took this and used it to fill the gap. I picked myself up and carried on, richer for the experience. with new colours to paint on the canvas that is my life.

Thank you for letting me share this with you it has helped me immensely. Certain thoughts can fester and boil and turn even beauty into something hideous, I’m happy to say that is not the case here.

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Something indescribable

Posted on July 4, 2014 by The Mind Of Autism

Love and loss (part 2)

So my 18th was rolling in all my local friends where there and at this point me and my friend regularly texted and messaged (Facebook) each other, as I would be busy for the day I texted her and told her why I wouldn’t be responding, she wished me a happy birthday and said to have fun. Mum had a surprise guest for me and I thought about it far to much, to the point that I was convinced it was a girl I knew from when I was 8. Can you imagine my surprise when mum went to get my cake and came back with my friend and her nan? (And no cake lol) my 18th was the best party I have ever had. for but the briefest of moments I knew what it felt like to be normal, there was the occasional ruff housing that lasted just long enough, every face I had fitted into my possible daily plans was there and most importantly of all I was able to talk to groups of people and not feel anxious, words can’t describe the feeling of my joy that day.

My local friends got on perfectly with my online friend. she was funny, interesting basically the exact same person I had talked to online but I was able to see her facial expressions and finally give her a long awaited hug she was a lot shorter then her avatar though and her hair smelled of strawberries a fact I was quick to point out two seconds after we met in person for the 1st time, she laughed. It wasn’t a facade she accepted me online and in person, for the brief time she was there we revelled in each other’s company. fortunately she stayed for a couple days more after my party, which gave us more time together. We parted in real life but still kept talking online.

Almost 2 years later on New Year’s Eve we sorted out another visit (yea her mother is Awsome) and it happened again, I felt normal. My amazing friend nick his Awsome sister Emily and there truly wonderful mother and father Garry and Libby where there, my clan was there too. We planed to spend our New Years at river wood downs a lovely little place not far from my home town

I remember just before the countdown to midnight I song I requested earlier at the beginning of the night finally played soulja boy, crank that. I had a whole routine for this song but little did I know em nick and my Awsome online friend where all following my lead in what looked like perfect synchronisation. to my surprise everybody was watching us but it felt nice.

As the party ended and we went to the tent that nick and his family had brought down we sorted the sleeping arrangements out the tent was split with a walk area and 2 rooms. My New Years resolution was to create a better me, took me more then a year but I am still keeping that promise to myself. I had decided to ask my friend out, I never got how these things worked but I liked her and she had some sort of spark in her eyes around me (hard to explain) so we all lied down we didn’t snuggle but we mentally fought over the very middle of our room in the tent we talked for about a hour in hushed voices then I asked her I looked into her eyes she looked into mine and she said yes. Simple thing no? Yea it was but I will always remember the way the blanket masked her lower face and how her eyes darted away from mine for a split second and how they held something in them, I don’t know what it was only she could know that. I hugged her and felt a overwhelming joy. we made a promise to each other that would have more impact then I think we both thought it ever would, we promised we would keep our friendship if it didn’t work out.

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Child of light review

Posted on June 28, 2014 by The Mind Of Autism

Story
Child of light is a story of a young princess who falls ill and enters a different world. through visions she see’s that her father isn’t taking her sickness well and in his depression is becoming gravely ill himself. Seeing this she decides she must escape this world and get back to her father. along this journey she realizes the world she is in is becoming more and more dark and only she can bring back the light.

Gameplay (controls)
the controls in child of light where very responsive they are simple controls yet work brilliantly it doesn’t do anything over the top but it does test new ground with a 2 player support role, this role consists of the second player taking control of igniculus a firefly that resembles a small blue flame. You hover igniculus over certain things and hold the left trigger (right trigger if playing alone) and various things happen such as chests opening, traps briefly deactivating, healing the player and even slowing the enemy in combat.

If I had to nit pic something
This is just me personally and I quite liked it 75% of the time but the other 25% the rhyming drove me nuts, all the dialogue in this game is rhymed its amazing how they made every event fit into the story and make it rhyme but when I left the game and went to talk to my nan her sentences didn’t sound exactly right, probably just a autistic thing but hey that’s my choice for the nit pic.

The silver lining
Again this a personal one but I got a really good entry from this tittle for my top ten OMGWTF moments of 2014 in gaming. saying that the silver lining of this game we all could probably recognize as great, was that after the initial purchase if the game I didn’t have to buy DLC (downloadable content) for the game there wasn’t any parts I couldn’t get past with enough effort and that’s something to few games have these days. Yes there is dlc but if you buy child of light you buy the whole game and DLC is just bonuses.

is this game good for my little brother?
Yes by all means, there was not one ill mannered word in it. It has a beautiful art style and it has a great message of cooperation and how important friends are. So yes I will actually let my brother play this on my console, as this is a game I specifically want him to play.

My Overall opinion
Child of light took me ruffly 20 hours to complete, it probably won’t pose much of a challenge for your hard core gammer but the breathtakingly beautiful art style the brilliantly worded rhyming and general gameplay make it a very welcome distraction from the normally mass produced 1st person shooters.

Ratting: 7/10

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Comfort zone

Posted on June 28, 2014 by The Mind Of Autism

I broke out of my comfort zone today not by much but just enough. I was at my local Woolworth’s with my Nan getting some groceries, Nan had gone to sit down while the groceries got bagged and packed.

the man there packing the bags reached over to the back of the stacked goods and said to me “you wanna try and stack all the frozen/cold stuff in one place, so it’s easier for me to pack and for you to unload” he looked back at me smiled and said “don’t worry I’ll teach you” I smiled back and said thanks. He continued on and gave me a run through of simple things just to generally make it more efficient I said thanks for teaching me BTW my name is Andrew.

To witch he smiled continued packing and said nice to meet you Andrew I’m Duane. The general chit chat followed he asked where I was from, how long I’ve been here etc. about 5&1/2 years I’ve lived here and I’m only now introducing myself to you, That I didn’t say aloud. I’m not sure if he was in a rush or I unsettled him but if he said it once he said it ten times ” it’s ok ill teach you” part of the average day for Duane but it was a big moment for me.

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A possibility of greater things

Posted on June 20, 2014 by The Mind Of Autism

Love and loss (part 1)

This blog is going to be in 3 parts over 3 weeks, the main reason being that if I put it all in 1 blog it’ll be that big ain’t no one gonna wanna read it.

Another reason is to create a reason to visit me here again, its ever so lonely here. That and I’m sure it’s good in many other ways I haven’t fully thought out yet. The three part series will consist of me meeting my 1st love, losing her, and lastly how I deal/dealt with the aftermath

It started as the best relationships do, by complete and utter accident. we both played a great game called adventure quest worlds I’m not going to go into massive detail about the game but I will say 2 things, 1 the team that works on the game are amazing individuals and 2 its a MMORPG for those of you who don’t know what that means, basically its a game where you play with thousands of other people online

But back to how we met, I had just finished the area I was in and had just clicked on the door to enter the next area, as my character ran towards the door a message popped up in local area chat, I quickly clicked away from the door and went to read the message it said “can I get some help with this boss please?” I paused for a second and said “sure”

The memory is crystal clear in my mind how it all happened I ran to the area where the boss was it was a giant pterodactyl. To a lot of people it was just some animated characters moving on a screen but to me at the time it was more it was my escape, I knew it wasn’t real but I reveled in the fantasy of the moment. My character was a rouge (like a thief) with forest green hair, as I approached the creature I saw the person who had called for help, She was a healer with long brown hair dark chocolate brown eyes and pearl white skin. She was already fighting the monster when I arrived so rather then open with pleasantries I rushed in to aid her as the fight continued on for about 3 minutes she managed to fit in a “thank you” a midst the combat. We felled the creature collected the proof of the kill and went to hand it in. After we did we talked for about 3 minutes she added me too her friends list, said she had to go and goodbye then logged off. I continued on to the next area.

Several weeks later when I completely forgot about her or the person behind the female avatar on screen. She asked for some help with a quest. With me being my usual helpful self I again said “sure”. I helped her finished the area I had already completed, the one where we met. The thing about adventure quest worlds is they release new content weekly Friday afternoon for America and Saturday morning for us Australians, me and my new friend were in the later group and we both woke up and started playing on the weekends, naturally we would team up and chat about our past week exploits both real life and in game. Our teamwork usually consisted of me charging in sword drawn as a warrior and her covering me with magic as a healer.

After awhile we got to know each other I was rather forthcoming with information as I was young a little more naive and felt I had nothing to hide. She was reluctant however you don’t need to be a real life wizard to notice somebody simple not engaging fully in conversations and with the fact I was so forthcoming with information may have made in seemed staged or planed out her cation was a good thing, she didn’t know who I was, she didn’t know if I was telling the truth so she did the smart thing. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t throw my life schedule, a list of my fears, and bank account details on a platter and hand them to her either, I was just slightly more forthcoming with details about who I was.

After awhile though with our regular weekend meetings she spoke about herself slightly more, I learned she loved to read and wright, something I had little to no interest in but my new friend did (seems a little ironic now no?) and I enjoyed hearing her story’s and occasionally voicing my opinion on the characters. Eventually after awhile we shared more. we shared our desires for the future, our weekly exploits and our day to day problems. Funny enough we relied on those Saturdays and sometime Sundays to get us through another week.

She was and still is the complete opposite of me where I would wander and hide she sounded like she could claim every stair in the sky with nothing else but her will. About 3 years past and my 18th came up. Mum said she had a special guest for me.the several days leading up to my party I found out just how right I was about her.

(the photo i have in this pic is not mine however i do not know how to add credit yet. i will update this blog ASAP as soon as i find out how to add credit to the creator of the photo)

Posted in Family, Love and Relationships, Flashback Friday with The Mind Of Autism, Friendship and Autism - Connecting with others, Uncategorized | Leave a comment