1 bullet in the barrel

Love is one of the most confusing and fascinating feelings/experiences of life, you can’t really define it, as its different for everybody (that sounds familiar) and you can’t really dismiss it, as it sneaks up on you like a snake in the grass.

I thought once again I’d just share my point of view on it and see what you all think.

I’d like to start with how some people dismiss it and how they try to avoid it and ignore it at all costs. I personally have been in this spot once or twice and I’ve seen several of my friends in it. The be all to end all of this, is bad experience, weather it be there own or someone close to them, they ignore there desire to truly know someone out of the fear of vulnerability.

I’ve walked that road several times, though oddly enough never lost a friend from it. Now how that all worked out, I can’t explain. Maybe for people with a clinically “neurotypical” mind they hold these emotions less tightly then someone with autism? I’m not really sure on this. I’ll continue this point later but for now I’d like to share how I handle myself when I develop feelings for someone.

I use a lot of references….I was going to say I use a lot of references for love but I use references for everything (references RULE).

Moving on, the references I use here is like a swing – you either hit it big or your out sort. When I feel deeply enough for someone and I confess it I look at it as shooting a gun at them. (a love gun…hey shooting people works for Cupid so why not me?) Many things can effect how well you can shoot; distance, wind, size of the target, etc. and these variables can be converted to define you chances of hitting your mark.

  • “Distance” how emotionally close are you both?
  • “Wind” is there anything unaccounted for that could effect your shot, like family, friends, work, living distance
  • “Size of the target” this one is a hard one to consciously calculate and I’m glad to say I’ve never used it against someone I like (hell I’ve sabotaged myself by actively avoiding it at times) the “size of the target” consists of “their” insecurity’s and the ones they know about you. It’s cold and its calculating but it still can effect “the shot.” (personally I’d rather miss. But that’s just me)

So why all these variable why not just shoot and take the chance? The thing is you can’t just throw advances at people. I mean it may work but come on, how many happy ending story’s like that have you heard? If I may use a analogy here you can’t fire wildly with a belt fed Gatling gun. ( I totally did not google that) There’s a reason Cupid has a bow and a quiver, it requires skill.

You’ve been patient with me so I think ill actually share how I “use” the variables.

I use one and two and avoid three at all costs for in my personal opinion if they know your flaws and can’t accept them then the relationship is already going downhill. Another reason is I like them right? I value them no? Then why would I want to start a relationship by using something that could hurt them? If you truly like someone you treat them like the precious gem they are. That’s just my personal opinion though. The reason for all the preparation though and why I “allow” my mind to drive me insane over it is because I have “1 bullet in the barrel” I aim, and shoot, if I miss then so be it I can’t look back and go, dam maybe if I thought about it a little more the outcome would have been different. If they develop feelings for me later on, then its there turn to shoot.

I’d like to finish a point I raised earlier in this blog about how I think that clinically “normal minds” seem to move on quicker. I’ve shot and missed before (more times then I’d like to admit) but every time I’d hoped they would change there mind in the next couple of days/weeks. Of this I’m sure all minds can relate. Sadly life ain’t a fairy tail and the guy doesn’t always get the girl here in the real world.

A wise man will say one thing and hear a hundred other opinions and I don’t think a lot of people understand that (maybe I’ve just been with a different crowd). Perhaps they just process affection differently. I’ve seen them hold back there words trying to not lead me on, I’ve seen flickers in there facial expressions that don’t resemble there norm, there still a LOT I need to learn.

After awhile it passes, maybe they think I’m over it, or maybe they think I’ve moved on but neither of these statements are true from my end. I’m just simply not willing to let it ruin my friendship with them. So I fire my gun and miss then that’s it for me I’m done. I still have feelings but I’ve done all I feel I can. I’m not the sort to hunt among wolves…. And in a way, I’m proud of that.

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How I define autism….

I spent the better half of a year asking myself how to define autism because its not only me that’s effected by it as my brothers and thousands more are affected by it also.

In order to truly define it I had to look at it from my brothers points of view. My youngest brother, who we call Bear has severe autism, also known as classic autism. My other brother, who I call Gremlin has the same severity of autism (if not less) as I do.

Over time I watched them and could relate to certain behaviour in Gremlin but was dumbfounded by the effect some things had on Bear; certain smells, noises, and even things he touched would make him scream. At the worst of times he would hit himself in the face or bang his head on the wall or floor.

After watching Gremlin struggle with situations much like I did as a child and to watch Bear run away from some things as if they were going to set him on fire, I finally figured out how I could truly define Autism.

Its impossible to define it.

Just as a person can’t be defined by there look somebody with autism can’t be defined as a set case, it effects everybody differently. That may be a hollow answer but its the truth.

Bear can’t stand undefinable sounds like crowds for instance and Gremlin can’t stand certain smells or the feel of grass on his bare feet. I can’t stand the feel of sand or water with things in it (dishwater). Just in our family alone we are all so different but we are all labelled with the same definition.

So if I can’t define autism as a whole, maybe I can give you my view of it and “maybe” a better insight to how it feels to have it.

Imagine you have just recently lost your arms and you need to reach something up high in the kitchen, so you walk in and go to pick it up with your hand. Now your mind would kick in and go, “oh yeah, I don’t have my arms anymore.” Basically you use your mind to define your problem; (no arms =I can’t reach item).  But for somebody with autism in this scenario there missing arms is there mind.

I’ll try and simplify that by using the same scenario; “You go to reach for the item” BUT your arms are missing now instead of you using your mind to realise  ” oh I lost my arms” you have to use your missing arms to define what’s going on. So basically you come up with (reach for item= can’t reach= try again) and this goes on and on.

My mind understand that it can not do something but because of autism it over rides the ‘practical’ part of my brain and makes me continue to do something that I already know is impossible to do. This in turn causes the anxiety that goes along with autism and how so many things become overwhelming for a person with autism.

As much as you desire it if you have a mind with autism practicality can not define you.

My example is very confusing I know but to be honest Autism is confusing. In the end basically what your left with is that you use your mind to define your mind. It’s not impossible but it takes a VERY long time to understand why I, as a person with autism am effected by things the way I am.

I still don’t know why sand effects me the way it does. But I live with it and will continue too. I don’t have a choose and that is a very important point that I am trying to make. People with autism are effected by different things and we can’t choose what effects us, it just happens, it just is.

With Bear because of his severity of autism it would make him go through this loop several hundred times in a second till it drives him to run away or try and hit himself to divert his thoughts.

I hope this has been helpful even slightly.

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Am I Ready???

There are many simple steps I take in my daily life.

One is freaking out over little things that most people wouldn’t take a second glance at (is that a step I take consciously? Or is that more classified as falling over?). Another step in my daily life that I have more control over though is the lessons I’ve learnt from people far wiser than me.

One of those lessons is that you shouldn’t seek attention until you are ready and able to handle it.

I was expecting a snail’s pace of ‘followers’ on my blog and other social media and not all the likes and readers that I have already found. What a surprise it was for me. To find out that people wanted to hear what I had to say.

I know that ‘followers’ is the technical term but personally I don’t think of people like that. Every like and every follow is a person consciously choosing to do so.

In short I guess I’d call them like minded friends!

I’m veering off subject again though so back to the subject of me being ready and just how ready I am. Now I’ve thought about it a little more and I realise that The Mind Of Autism may pick up faster than I anticipated but I think that is a good thing.

My Ma (mum) supports me a lot with my blog and everything. Ma has found so much support through her blog by a lot of lovely people but she has been hurt by some other, not so lovely people on the world wide web. I guess that worried me a little because I saw how upset and hurt Ma was.

So then I sat down and asked myself, ‘Am I ready?’

I hesitated for a second then said confidently to myself, ‘yes I am’.

Two minutes later I had an epiphany and realised that while I’m ready now I may not be tomorrow, I may have a completely horrible week three months from now. A week so bad it debilitates me and takes it all out of me, then again I may still be ready. That’s the way life works I guess.

I remember that some of the most debilitating days in my Ma’s life have been shared and eased because of her blog. By having a place to be heard and a community that cared for her from all over the world.

I find comfort in that…

So I am not sure what tomorrow holds but right now though – I’m ready for it. 

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Welcome to The Mind of Autism…

Welcome to The Mind of Autism or TMOA for short. My name is Andrew and I am a 21 year old living in a small country town in New South Wales in Australia….. oh and I’m male! Almost forgot that part.

I live with my Nan and I have a pretty amazing family that try their best to understand me as best they can. My mum is Coralie the founder of Mum Talks Autism and I have two little brother B who I call Gremlin who is 7 and T who I call Bear who is 6.

So other then the physical part  let me share a bit of the mental part with you. I love art of almost every kind, which is probably why I’m really nerdy. I play lots of video games, watch a bit of anime here and there (been wanting to watch more but can’t find any good ones), surf the net for various forms of art, eg: fan fiction and pictures of various things like actual renowned art like one of my favorite pieces by Rodin ‘The Thinker’.

Sounds kinda funny when I say it out loud but yeah that’s my life.

The last thing I want you to know about my life is the main reason I wanted to create this blog. As you most likely guessed I am also living with autism.

Autism sometimes makes me think a “little” to much and suffer from a great deal of anxiety because of those thoughts that can some days engulf my life. I get autism. I get what you as someone also living with autism might be going through. I can also maybe answer a question for you if you are a parent or carer of someone with autism.

So many people with autism can not find the words to express what is going on in their brains, in their thoughts or how the world looks and feels to be walking through this life with autism. Thankfully that is not something that is a problem to me as I think one of the gifts I have been given is the gift to explain how my brain works. To verbalise what it is really like to be living with autism. Maybe I can be the answer to the confusion in your life or at least make you understand a little better how The Mind of Autism really works.

I also want to be there for other people living with autism. I know how lonely this journey can be sometimes and so if you ever want to talk you can send me an email at themindofautism@gmail.com . You can also send me a tweet on twitter or head over to facebook and like my page here. There are loads of ways you can get in touch with me and I look forward to hearing from you. Please feel free to ask me anything and I will answer you as honestly as I can.

Life can be difficult some days, other days are just amazing, other days I am just completely lost but life goes on and I deal with it day to day. I hope I can share my journey with you all, have some laughs, shed some tears, and maybe learn a little along the way.

Together you are never alone and at the end of the day that is all that really matters.

Talk Soon,

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