1 bullet in the barrel

Love is one of the most confusing and fascinating feelings/experiences of life, you can’t really define it, as its different for everybody (that sounds familiar) and you can’t really dismiss it, as it sneaks up on you like a snake in the grass.

I thought once again I’d just share my point of view on it and see what you all think.

I’d like to start with how some people dismiss it and how they try to avoid it and ignore it at all costs. I personally have been in this spot once or twice and I’ve seen several of my friends in it. The be all to end all of this, is bad experience, weather it be there own or someone close to them, they ignore there desire to truly know someone out of the fear of vulnerability.

I’ve walked that road several times, though oddly enough never lost a friend from it. Now how that all worked out, I can’t explain. Maybe for people with a clinically “neurotypical” mind they hold these emotions less tightly then someone with autism? I’m not really sure on this. I’ll continue this point later but for now I’d like to share how I handle myself when I develop feelings for someone.

I use a lot of references….I was going to say I use a lot of references for love but I use references for everything (references RULE).

Moving on, the references I use here is like a swing – you either hit it big or your out sort. When I feel deeply enough for someone and I confess it I look at it as shooting a gun at them. (a love gun…hey shooting people works for Cupid so why not me?) Many things can effect how well you can shoot; distance, wind, size of the target, etc. and these variables can be converted to define you chances of hitting your mark.

  • “Distance” how emotionally close are you both?
  • “Wind” is there anything unaccounted for that could effect your shot, like family, friends, work, living distance
  • “Size of the target” this one is a hard one to consciously calculate and I’m glad to say I’ve never used it against someone I like (hell I’ve sabotaged myself by actively avoiding it at times) the “size of the target” consists of “their” insecurity’s and the ones they know about you. It’s cold and its calculating but it still can effect “the shot.” (personally I’d rather miss. But that’s just me)

So why all these variable why not just shoot and take the chance? The thing is you can’t just throw advances at people. I mean it may work but come on, how many happy ending story’s like that have you heard? If I may use a analogy here you can’t fire wildly with a belt fed Gatling gun. ( I totally did not google that) There’s a reason Cupid has a bow and a quiver, it requires skill.

You’ve been patient with me so I think ill actually share how I “use” the variables.

I use one and two and avoid three at all costs for in my personal opinion if they know your flaws and can’t accept them then the relationship is already going downhill. Another reason is I like them right? I value them no? Then why would I want to start a relationship by using something that could hurt them? If you truly like someone you treat them like the precious gem they are. That’s just my personal opinion though. The reason for all the preparation though and why I “allow” my mind to drive me insane over it is because I have “1 bullet in the barrel” I aim, and shoot, if I miss then so be it I can’t look back and go, dam maybe if I thought about it a little more the outcome would have been different. If they develop feelings for me later on, then its there turn to shoot.

I’d like to finish a point I raised earlier in this blog about how I think that clinically “normal minds” seem to move on quicker. I’ve shot and missed before (more times then I’d like to admit) but every time I’d hoped they would change there mind in the next couple of days/weeks. Of this I’m sure all minds can relate. Sadly life ain’t a fairy tail and the guy doesn’t always get the girl here in the real world.

A wise man will say one thing and hear a hundred other opinions and I don’t think a lot of people understand that (maybe I’ve just been with a different crowd). Perhaps they just process affection differently. I’ve seen them hold back there words trying to not lead me on, I’ve seen flickers in there facial expressions that don’t resemble there norm, there still a LOT I need to learn.

After awhile it passes, maybe they think I’m over it, or maybe they think I’ve moved on but neither of these statements are true from my end. I’m just simply not willing to let it ruin my friendship with them. So I fire my gun and miss then that’s it for me I’m done. I still have feelings but I’ve done all I feel I can. I’m not the sort to hunt among wolves…. And in a way, I’m proud of that.

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This entry was posted in Autism, Day to Day, Family, Love and Relationships, Food for Thought, Friendship and Autism - Connecting with others, The person behind The Mind of Autism and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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