Love and loss (part 3)
Time and dates as to how our love grew aren’t solidly in my mind. I can remember a lot of things perfectly but our minds more often then not, seem to only really stop and take note when bad things are happening, all to often we take joy for granted.
Which is what I did I’m sad to say, but with every rule there are the exceptions to it. my despise of public transport carried well over to flying in a plane, people seemed more occupied but still there where to many people for me. funny enough the babies never bothered me when they cried, despite my intolerance for high pitched noises. Out of everyone I would see on the days I flew across state to meet the girl I loved there would be 2 types of people who I wouldn’t fear judgment from! My girl and young children. When I got off the plane and saw her smiling face I knew it was all worth it.
Not really sure how the typical male point of view stands on this but her touch was indescribable. her lips felt like velvet with the slightest of pecks, her body radiated warmth and sung never before heard songs with the slightest embrace. her head rested perfectly on my chest like she was my missing piece making me whole again…. Maybe not the typical “male” point of view but I know I’m not the only male that thinks like this.
There’s something about the person your heart chooses that makes them special, they radiate a warmth that melts your fears away and make everything seem, bearable. I’m not one to engage in masculine bravado and talk about a woman as if she was a mountain for me to scale and that’s not going to change today, a gentleman does not kiss and tell as the saying goes. There was a age gap between us and while we both struggled to understand it at times we accepted it, you see what I found with her was that the body lusts for the flesh while the mind seeks the soul.
This post is rather muddled I know and for that I apologise. This is just 1/100 of a glimpse of my thoughts on this matter and I tried to put the best parts down on, paper? Ha I just had a whole moment of that thought itself. But I digress let us pull Apollo’s chariot across the sky and let the sun set on this blog.
I can’t say names for obvious reasons so this part will be cryptic at best but I’ll try and limit the amount of conclusions you can come too, as to give you the best understanding.
We decided to take a break as her life was moving ahead far more fast then mine ever could. Patience waned and tempers flared across both sides of our families funny enough, neither of us where a part of the raised tempers but we still took the backlash. A look in someone’s eyes I loved was the reason I broke my 1st loves heart.
Have you ever looked into the eyes of a family member and seen nothing? I have had that misfortune and no I’m not talking of death I’ve seen that before in the the eyes of my baby brother and it was “something” a truly indescribably horrible sight but it was “something” I looked into the eyes of a loved one on my side of the conflict and saw… Nothing. it was a horrible sight like the spark of divinity was gone, like there very soul had given in to despair. I would like to say I understand and say I acknowledge the situation for what it was, but I am only human and I can’t. I will always hold it against that person for making me see that, for there loss of strength when I needed it most, I looked into those eyes for days trying to find what was lost, but I couldn’t. I saw a sight worse then my brother slipping away and it broke me, if only a little more.
I told the girl I loved I was sorry but we could do this no more, and the last words she spoke to me was that she wouldn’t even get to say a proper goodbye. She loved me, life may have made it more difficult but I know this to be true. And yes we are still friends I couldn’t let such a good friend go but you see that’s the thing the girl I loved was no longer my friend she was, more then that to me. So I chose to think of them as two different people and that my love had simple gone somewhere I could not “ever” follow.
Life chips away at us, most of the time slowly. but some times it cracks the stone and we have to find something to fill the void it created. I still love the person that made me see that horrible sight, and I always will. I will also always love the girl that showed me a beauty unlike I had ever seen. Balance is needed in everything and I took a simple phrase that I learnt from her and incorporated it into my daily life. She studied German and she practiced it at home. when I visited I would listen, one word she taught me was Dankeschön it means thank you. I once heard that if you can take something from a relationship it wasn’t wasted time, so I took this and used it to fill the gap. I picked myself up and carried on, richer for the experience. with new colours to paint on the canvas that is my life.
Thank you for letting me share this with you it has helped me immensely. Certain thoughts can fester and boil and turn even beauty into something hideous, I’m happy to say that is not the case here.